Momentum Shift
Using Decision Points to Move Toward Your Values
We’ve talked about what values are, and how to find them for yourself.
We’ve talked about how to move toward our values, and the therapeutic benefits for doing so.
We’ve talked about the goal for mental health being to live a life in alignment with our values, uninhibited by depression.
Everything is crystal clear, right?
Then why are we still frequently making the wrong choices?
It should be easy. I value community, therefore I will attend social events even when my anxiety tells me not to. It’s only a feeling. I have coping skills to work with to get myself through it. Or, another example: I value physical health so I will go to the gym every morning before work. Maybe I won’t feel like it every day, but my values matter more to me than the opinions of the goblin I live with (yes, depression as a goblin for a roommate is a metaphor I’m sticking with).
The feelings of absolute lack of agency, unfortunately, often cement themselves as truths in my brain.
I can’t.
Ok and??? Have you ever heard of this little thing called free will? That we all possess? Have you?
“Can’t” isn’t real. At least the “can’t” the goblin tends to use isn’t. Just go do the thing, buddy.
I know I have free will. I’m trying. I just can’t do it.
Oh, right. I forgot for a second how good of a liar the goblin is. Have you tried cognitive distancing? You don’t have to take everything it says as truth, you know.
Yeah, yeah. I’m having the thought that I can’t. I know.
It sounds like you still believe the thought.
Because it’s true.
We’re going in circles here. Here’s a question, though: Does it matter whether it’s true or not? Let’s dissect the gym scenario.
Premise: I value physical health.
Premise: One way to attain physical health is to go to the gym.
Assuming these premises are true, I decide to go to the gym. As I’m gearing up to get dressed and go, the goblin walks in and says “you can’t do that. You’re hopeless. You can’t go to the gym. Everyone there will look at you and judge you and hate you. And that’s if you can even get your clothes on, even get in the car and drive there.”
I stop in my tracks.
It’s got a point. I’m not dressed yet. There have been times in the past where I had the intent to go to the gym but didn’t actually go. Everyone probably will hate me. This is probably one of those times where I don’t go. Where I can’t go. The goblin is right.
And right here, folks, is the Decision Point. A fork in the road, if you will. Option A is to listen to the goblin, and add record of this experience to the growing pile of evidence that reinforces the “can’t” belief. Option B is to go to the gym.
Which one do I decide?
Well, classically, it’s not that simple. It’s even a trick question, thanks to an unreliable narrator. Going to the gym vs. failing is a false dichotomy. It doesn’t take into account any bit of work toward my values I might be doing, even if I don’t go.
If what I can muster is to put on my gym clothes, I’ve shaved off a bit of the barrier to getting to the gym. I’ve worked toward my value of physical health. Do that enough times, maybe I’ll get in the car and drive there, effectively shaving off a bit more of the barrier.
It’s not often possible to go from 0-100 in an instant. The Decision Point is not about achieving the end goal, it’s about working toward it.
Your mission this week is to think about Decision Points as they inevitably come up in your life, and to start deciding to move toward your values.
I love you.
-Ethan
This page is not intended to be medical advice. Consult with a psychiatrist or other provider before pursuing any treatment options discussed here.
If you are in crisis, call or text the National Suicide Hotline: 988